the ostracization of immodesty
a short personal reflection on my experience with modesty in christianity.
i remember when i was about 14 i was at dance practice for church and was gently scolded for my top of choice. i was pulled aside in front of everyone and told that i shouldn’t be wearing something like that here and that i should cover up. that it was distracting. i remember being so confused.i would never intentionally dress inappropriately to church. i can still feel the burning sensation on the inside of my cheeks from the embarrassment. sure i was slightly more developed than the only other girl at our church but i wasnt carrying dolly parton sized boobs. i was angry. it seemed unfair. surely other girls attending have worn more “ inappropriate “ clothing so why pick on me ? i started to brainstorm all of the possible things wrong with my shirt. i even went to the bathroom to try and see improperness of the shirt — i couldn’t. from that day forward i realized that being modest wasn’t just simply about clothes.
as i continued to go through puberty and attended the same church i watched other girls berate in cute tight skirts , fitted dresses and blouses all while i became a prisoner to the jeans and hoodie combo. i hated it. i hated having any noticeable parts. i felt alienated in a place where i was supposed to feel safe. aside from having a different body type than the other girls my age I was also the only black girl. my dark skin , braids or naturally curly hair never seemed to hold flame to the fire that was their femininity. everytime i took a step forward to fit in i just ended up falling 20 steps behind. i felt punished for simply having the body parts and features that God had given me.
i have comprehended that i don’t fit the prototype of a standard christian woman and that’s okay. alot of these women that i see share similar features amongst themselves that God didn’t give me and i have to be okay with that. my different looks don’t make me any less modest or any less christian than they are. modesty doesn’t have to be losing my individuality and conforming my looks to match a woman if who has lived and will continue to live a completely different life than mine. i don’t have to feel like i’m trapped in my own personal hell which is my body because of societal standards and expectations.
what does it truly mean to be modest? growing up and even still living in christian culture modesty is always promoted but i never quite understood what it actually means. i’m still learning. but what i can tell you is that its not a gender or body specific issue.anyone can be immodest. modesty isn’t limited to the clothes you wear but the posture of your heart , how you treat others, how and you treat yourself. my body isn’t a punishment and my features were not made to make feel ostracized or sexualized. this is something i wish i could have told my fourteen year old self but you will have to do for now.
That was so beautifully said Ambree..
I'd like to comment from an islamic lens that modesty (ḥayāʼ) is seen as an inward light, a state of the soul before it’s ever a piece of fabric. It’s not about shame, but about sacredness.
It’s about preserving your inner world, guarding what’s precious, and moving through life with grace, not invisibility.
The nafs (self) is not your enemy. It’s something to know, refine, and gently guide toward beauty. Your body is not a curse. Your curves, your features, they were not designed to make you feel ashamed. They are signs of God’s artistry.
“We have certainly created man in the best of stature.” (Qur’an 95:4)
So when we cover, we’re not hiding, we’re honouring. And honour looks different depending on where you come from. Your outer form is just the garment of your spirit: beautiful, sacred, and specific to you. Your individuality is a divine fingerprint.
Modesty, is a state of heart before it’s ever a state of dress. Like you said it is in how you treat others but is also in how you speak, how you carry your pain, how you resist the urge to perform and instead, just be.
So may you wear what feels like you! With love, with dignity, with joy.
Because your body is not a battleground. It’s not a punishment. It’s not an enemy to silence.
It’s your home. Your vessel. Your inheritance.
And sis, femininity is not in how you dress or how straight your hair is.
It’s not in fitting into some mould of what a “perfect” woman should look like.
I sometimes feel the same way. I see the women who wear the most elegant colourful abayas and cover their hair so gracefully. And here I am, struggling. Letting my curls run wild, wearing jeans, not looking like the picture perfect “Muslim girl.”
And yes, I’ve heard the comments too. The ones meant to shrink you. But I don’t digress because I know where my modesty lives. It lives in my heart. It’s in my intentions, in my words, in how I carry myself through both love and difficulty. It’s in how I treat others, how I speak truth, and how I honour what’s sacred inside me.
Modesty isn’t performance. Its presence.
And it doesn’t always look one way. Because God made us diverse on purpose, in our appearances, cultures, languages, and expressions of faith. What unites us isn’t how we look religious but how we are with the One who created us.
So in your skin, your softness, your fire, your joy, your curls. All of that is still sacred and still so feminine.
“I was also the only black girl. my dark skin , braids or naturally curly hair never seemed to hold flame to the fire that was their femininity.” This feeling is so… ugh. I remember feeling this exact way all through school, growing up in pwis. Underrated how much of an effect it can have!